Sarah's Journal

Oh man! My cat just got downstairs! That's not good. Anyway, I've been sick for the past two weeks, feels terrible to be this sick. Had pizza for dinner, that didn't help any. Blahdy blah....

Friend, haven?t you suffered enough?
Come back to those who love you and let them hold you close.
Sleep by day and walk by night.
What kind of life is there if there is no life there?
You wait near the window pane and look out to see no one.
You never think of how much more you?re hurting yourself,
Or me.

When new life touches your shoulder and expects you to turn around,
Why do you shy away into your own world?
Aren?t you curious to know what new life has to offer?
Listen my dear friend, live your life and do not dwell on the past.

Stopped up in a moment of grief,
Stop!
When I gave up, you gave me hope.
Stars will not solve your problems but living will.

Haven?t you suffered enough because of the wrong you?ve been dealt?
Wake up when the sun does and dance with the wind.
End your suffering and come back.

I actually decided to start writing again and that's the first thing I came up with.

Just updating this thing....

Oh, I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I'm confused as crazy about my family. One minute they are alright (or seem to be) and the next minute they are absolutely off the wall. I've never seen 4 people fight more in my life. Recently, I've been going to church quite a bit and every time I go, I feel more and more distant from reality. There is nothing real in my mind any longer. It's superficial garbage and I don't know how to handle not having real feelings. Honestly I don't know why I decided to write this online but I had to do something. All of my friends (online and off) are having major problems and that's all I tend to think about these past few weeks. Kinda like I don't have a life of my own. I'm not trying to just make people feel sorry for me, in fact, I'm not even worried about anyone knowing what's going on in my mind, I just have to get it out of my system. Later....

Just writing to write and update. I haven't written in this thing in a loong loong time and I thought I should. Hiyas Shana, I've tried to call ya kiddo, I miss you. I've been very saddened (as I'm sure a lot of people in America have) about what happened to the World Trade Towers and to the Pentagon. To anyone who knew someone hurt or killed in this tragedy, my heart and prayers are with you. I've read a lot of my friends' lj's and I'm very sorry to those of you feeling so upset, I wish you well soon. Good luck to you all. Hope to speak with some of you later.

Sorry
I'm sorry that my attitude toward people lately has been as bad as it has. Shana, I am especially sorry to you. I am having a very rough time at home and I don't know how to handle my emotions so I push the one's I love away and hurt them. It really sucks that I have acted in such a manner and again I am sorry.

A subject again?
La! Today is so slow it's not even funny. I talked to someone VERY cool today!! It rawked.. We spent a very long time on the phone. Not sure how that's gonna turn out. Shana...you're the coolest, hope all went well with the doc. I read something about Teddy. Sleep...I never stay up as late as I did last night (or early this morning, which is it?). Yikes. I read a little today. Not much. I need the telephone, just thought I'd update this thing........

I hate subjects!!!
What to do what to do. It's cold and very early in the morning. Can't wait to call and bug Shana :)
Anyway, Someday I'll get my head on straight, right now there are a lot of things I can't seem to sort out. I am apologizing right now for using the word "sucketh" I had no idea it was copy righted (sp?). Sometimes I wish I could just walk out of this house, this town and never ever look back. It's killing me that I can't. I need to find my real journal. I've been reading a lot lately and it is an awesome escape. I love to see myself with the characters and just make friends in them. Corny huh? The book I'm into now is "A Separate Peace" by John Knowles, his way with words is pretty amazing. Wish I could write like some of the authors I read. Maybe someday....
I haven't written anything since our computer crashed, I lost interest because I figured something was telling me not to write. Going to start again soon, I'll write them on paper. *watches pretty light bulb go on over head*

Coffee....I'm going to rant on about the best thing in the world now. I had put off making any for a looooong time and haven't had any since the last pot I made. Anyway, I made some today and have been almost on the wired side since about 5:00 pm, central... Scary that I keep track of that.

I talked to my ex today, longer than I have in the past. He seemed to be in a good mood and that was odd for him.

Later.......

Blech....
I haven't been around much lately, sucketh. Oh well. I feel REALLY bad about being a total bitch to someone last night and if you know who you are, I am sincerely sorry and *atgs*. Anyway, I've been in kind of a bad mood for a few days. Sleep!! I'm cleaning house today and that surprised the hell out of me. Anyway, I think I'll go. Much love....

I figured out what's going on with me lately, I just don't care right now, nothing to care about. At least not right now. I liked this guy but I've decided to give up trying. I have no chance with him. I'm not crushed, I just wish I did. I was supposed to talk to someone tonight but my mom was on the computer, that sucked. I wish my dad's eye would get better, I'm really tired of staying up all night. SLEEP!!!! Never went to that friend's house, never got the energy to go down there...maybe later today.

Tired, sleep deprived.
Love demolished and pride all gone.
Away from the world and sitting right there.
I am trapped to myself, no room for anyone.
A curious dot on the face of it all.
Danger lurks in every corner and I just sit.
In the middle of the danger, exploring it.
Tired, sleep deprived, dead.

That just came to mind, it's how I feel all the time lately. I know on these lj things I'm always complaining, but I do that IRL too. I hate myself sometimes because I feel like I just bother everyone. Just whatever...blah!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm outtie, Ping

Boing!!!
Today is the most boring oh the entire summer! One day I'll go out and get a life. Maybe... I really don't have anything to say. I finally got some sleep, it was great. My little brother is an idiot, he loves "Scary Movie" and I hate it. My ankle has hurt a lot recently, I should be more careful. I give up on relationships, someone will come along one day and when it happens, I hope it works out for the better. I kinda cleaned up around the house, that surprised everyone, including me. There's something I need to do but I can't remember what, I hate in when that happens. No one is around to talk to...bummer. Monday I leave for choir camp (yay!...not) and I get out of the house. Woohooo!!! I think I'm gonna get out of the house in a little while, go to my friend's. School, I want to go back to school. Wow...never thought I'd say that. Going going, yep, my mind is gone. I got a book from the library today, got a new book, several, now I can't remember the name. Started dieting recently, I've lost like 5 lbs. It's like hot outside, better than a flood I suppose but I do wish there were SOME clouds. So, I'm sitting inside, rambling online. The story of my life. Fun huh? Later.....

Kinda checkin' in
I haven't been online for awhile so it's obvious that I haven't been able to write here. Today is a very long day, I have spent most of it recording songs off of the radio, worrying about my father (I hope that eye doesn't have to come out and maybe these antibiotics we're giving him will help). Anyway, I wanted to go to a rave with my friend Sam tonight but couldn't due to lack of ride and family matters. I got bored so I came to this site. I currently have no one online I care to talk to. A friend of mine "introduced" me to an ex of hers on Monday and we talked quite a bit, I wanted to actually meet him so he stayed at my house. I don't think I could ever go out with him because to be frank, he's not my type. There are more fish in the sea though. I am off for now.

Hey...
Today was really cool. I went to a friend's house, then on the way home to another friend's house. I let someone borrow my dragon necklace. :(
Oh well, they let me borrow 2 bracelets and a ring. I thought that was pretty cool, now I actually have some jewelry. Be back to write more later...I basically just did this to write because ethan told me I hadn't written in awhile. Later

Boo....
It's the fourth of july, happy b-day united states. Damn being stuck inside. I really wish I didn't like the guy I do. He's a great guy but there's always something in the way between the guys I like and myself. It'd be a lot easier to ignore if he were an ass. Oh well...enough about that. I need to get out more. It'd do me a world of good. I feel bad for a friend of mine because she's upset, I wish I could do something to help her. I think I'm in a better mood now, I was upset earlier but I've been thinking and there are people alot worse off than I am, that really blows, huh? I guess I'm a sap but I wish things could be better off for everyone. Kinda like that shitty world peace wish I suppose. Corny as hell but something I think about a lot. Peace...

none
I'm just going to talk today. I have no real reason to be online but I guess I just wanted to find someone I could have any type of conversation with. It would be a nice change. Lately for some reason I've been lonely, not because I don't have friends, I do, sort of, but I can only talk to certain people about certain things. Now I'm thinking, why am I writing in an online journal, I won't be able to look back in twenty years and read how I felt today. Then again, why does any person do anything they do. The universal question everyone asks once in awhile. Sometimes I feel like I could alienate the entire world and just read or listen to music, and have my own little world and there are other times I'm desperate for a human being to just help me see what they see in living. I'm just as scared of death as I am of life because neither one of them are a sure thing. Who knows for sure that there is a god, or what happens when you die. Anyway, that's just my mood today. Curious, depressed, bored. I'm tired and need someone today. My brain hurts. Later

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: papa roach: broken home

Dunno
I was supposed to call someone today. I didn't get to until just a few minutes ago and now I bet he's going to be ticked at me. That's sad... Anyway, i actually woke up in a pretty good mood today, which suprised the hell outta me. A friend of mine was bummed this morning and I helped him cheer up. That was cool. I hope he stayed in a good mood. I think I'm getting sick. That's too bad. I think in a few minutes I'm going to go get some chow. My arms, back and leg still hurt. See ya.

Current Mood: bouncy

Cold, tired
I am cold. I woke up to the fact that I was going to the beach, I hate the sun... Bur. Too much sun, got burned. That's my boring life for today, write more tomorrow...

just curious
Today is going very slowly. My father stayed home from work, my brother's in another room watching a very annoying TV show. I was just kind of wondering if I could feel anymore....empty. Sometimes I think I'm trapped, in a little lonely world that I'm never going to get out of. But.. that's life right now. I am very ready for school to start again, gives me something to do everyday. I'm going to be busy, all accelerated classes, ROTC and basketball. Oh yeah, choir too. Right now I am pretty much just sitting around the house talking to my online buddies. None of which are saying much.

Love dies and cries to be brought back.
Strive to get it going.
You try your whole life to find the right one,
leaving a trail of broken heart along the way.
Close your eyes and breathe in... Think of all the ones that didn't stay.

Later.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: the sound of ringing in my lonely ears.

Tired and kinda bored
Today has been an odd day for me. My family got into a fight and I got drunk. (That was cool)I called two pretty good friends of mine. One of which I'd never talked to on the phone before. He's a nice guy. Anyway, it's 1:30 in the morning and I have no one to talk to so I decided to come and write my first entry. My friend Shana recently started dating a guy she really likes and I'm very happy for her. There's a guy I like but I can't date him. Oh well.
I've been wondering to myself a lot, why are we here. Everyone has a different out take. Some think that God sent us here for some salvation mission and others think that we're just here. I don't think either. My explanation is that we are here to make something of ourselves, then we die to make it possible for another being to live and part of our spirit becomes part of that being. Who knows.Anyway, I'm going to go. G'night.

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